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Tuesday, 21 January 2014 21:51
Will Kate Middleton and Prince William save doggie Lupo from dotted dresses
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rhinoLupo, Kate Middleton and Prince William’s puppy dog, started out life in a royal palace...

And ended up with James Middleton, Pippa and Kate’s cross-dressing brother.


Recent photos of James leaving the Middletons’ Chelsea apartment show a bewildered Lupo being strolled about on a leash.

And then Lupo was seen going walkies with James’s walker, television presenter perennially blond Donna Air.

What happened to the doggie?

Living with James might prove a bit confusing to Lupo, depending on whether James is wearing one of Kate’s dotted dresses or instead is pretending to be King Edward VII or his ill-fated lookalike, Tsar Nicholas Romanov.

A beard can hide a multitude of weak, feminine sins.

I mean, chins. Chins.

Although Kate held the papoose-wrapped-up baby bundle we were told contained Baby George, William held the adorably slobbering, tongue-flapping Lupo in the first "official" photograph taken by Kate’s father, who will collect royalties on that photograph forever.

Lucky thing Michael bought a kit to take the red eyes out!

But after that lucrative snap of royals, baby and doggie was released and relentlessly sold and re-sold, what then happened to little Lupo?

As Michael Middleton’s family first photo indicated, Lupo must have thought that he was part of the family, and indeed, Prince William was sometimes seen carrying the doggie about as though it were a little baby. Especially to and from the helicopter transport the Royal couple have become increasingly accustomed to. And since many of us have animal children, in addition to or in lieu of the human children, we can relate.

Maybe not to the helicopter transport part, though.

But at some point, it seems as though the royal doggie Lupo got his walking papers.


Lupo has not been seen frolicking in Kensington Palace or the adjoining park for months and months, nor was he featured at the Sandringham Christmas gathering.

And he was banned from Baby George’s baptism, too!

Where was little Lupo?

At first, we were worried that Lupo might have ended up buried in the Tower of London like the little Princes Edward V and Richard of Shrewsbury, especially after King Richard III’s mortal remains were only just last year recently unearthed in an archaeological excavation of a car park at Greyfiars, Leicester. Or perhaps in the walled gardens of KP, like where Princess Diana somewhat creepily buried the dead child of her good friend Rosa Monckton, in secret. Lupo going missing? It just seemed as though there might be some kind of weird convergence of some kind, like the moon occulting Saturn at dawn, or maybe the ICON comet that disappeared or was melted by the sun or never was was somehow involved.

But then, unlike the little Princes who disappeared forever and inspired many paintings and movies, Lupo suddenly was seen.


But going walkies with James.

And then, with Donna Air.

Lupo’s jaunts with James and Donna indicate that Lupo has now set up digs at Kate’s old Chelsea Apartment where James and Pippa are hanging out until they can find some aristocrats to carry them off and make honest women out of them.

Don’t get me wrong, now—Chelsea’s a great place. But such a come-down from KP for Lupo!

Still, it’s good to see that Lupo is alive!

British newspapers have gone on and on about how now Prince William and Kate have rejected Lupo the surrogate doggie baby now that they have acquired a real human baby. Reports contend that Lupo became "aggressive–too aggressive" when his position as the Royal dog baby was supplanted by the human baby.

Go ahead, blame the dog....

But the dog mommy in me wonders whether Kate Middleton’s famously beige-on-beige decor at her new KP digs doesn’t have more to do with it Lupo’s banishment.

Or maybe it’s that beigey Oriental rug from the Royal Collection that is worth a zillion pounds that now marks the spot where the drooling diapered Baby George will soon be crawling about.

Especially because this Royal couple hasn’t shown themselves to be deeply devoted to animals, unless you count animals like endangered African rhinos, for which William seems to have a keen but unrequited passion to which he claims he intends to devote a fair amount of his life. And don’t forget the hodge-podge of African wildlife replications that are reportedly decorating the walls of Baby George’s KP nursery.

The difference is that you can’t even try to housetrain a rhino.

And if the KP rhinos are just plastic cutouts, you don’t even need to try to housetrain a rhino.

William blathers a bit about how tragic it will be to have brought Baby George into the world without rhinos in it.

But what about a world without doggie Lupo in it?

If William can’t take care of a cocker spaniel dog, how’s he going to save rhinos for the world?

Rhinos are not likely even smart enough to know when they’ve been replaced by their human parents with human babies. But doggies clearly are smart enough. Couples who’ve brought home a baby do sometimes worry that their animal children will feel some displacement.

And sometimes, when animal children like dogs and cats feel displaced, they act out by doing things they know for sure upset those humans, like pooping and peeing in beigey places and pricey Oriental rugs that belong to either the Queen of England or the British Nation, depending upon to whom you are speaking.

When I’d come home from business trips, my cats would maniacally pee atop my luggage while making gleeful pop-eyed faces.

But despite that frustration, I never banished the cats!

At least, banishment to Chelsea with Pippa, Donna and James is not as bad as being murdered in the Tower of London and then buried for centuries under a gloomy set of stairs, and then the murderer’s bones ending up in a Leicester car park.

What’s the lesson for William and Kate?

That it’s easy to love rhinos who live very, very far away, and who never do their business in the beigey places. But true love means ending Lupo’s banishment, and teaching him how to be the royal pooch in the royal family.

Oriental rugs come in all kinds of colors and splattery patterns, which is useful when you have a doggie child. But training the dog to be a good dog is something that the dedicated rhino savior should definitely try to do before making Lupo’s deportation to Chelsea official.

Before James Middleton puts Lupo into a doggie dress and does who knows what!

Save the rhinos?

Not if you can’t save Lupo first!

Dotted images

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