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Thursday, 30 October 2014 13:55
William and pregnant Kate Middleton family fading in a whoosh?
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kate-wedWe know where his wife, Kate Middleton, is.  She’s back in Bucklebury with Ma and Pa Middleton, the Italian nanny, and Baby Boy Prince George.




That was fast!  

Kate, supposedly almost dying of that deathly rampant pregnancy vomiting disease, magically appeared in London a few days ago as part of the Royal Family’s welcoming committee for Singapore’s President Tony Tan and Tan’s wife, Mary Choo.  Kate put on a floppy grey housecoat and a ridiculous grey cow paddy hat, and added a lot of beige foundation and as much eyeliner as she could muster, and trotted around on hooker-high high heels, sat on a sofa with Mrs. Tan, seemed dissonantly disconnected to her husband, rode in a glassed-in coach with a Singaporean ministress, and then went to gala evening events.  http://metro.co.uk/2014/10/21/kates-back-duchess-of-cambridge-makes-first-public-appearance-since-pregnancy-announcement-in-mcqueen-4914815/.

All within two days.


I’ve included a link to the Daily Mail, in case you missed the thousand or so photographs the Mail published of this rapid stream of great gala events.  At least a hundred of them show Kate in her drab, grey housecoat and blob of a hat, in a myriad of manifestations of mood.  Kate happy, Kate sad, Kate bored, Kate staring her husband down, Kate staring a photographer down, Kate glowering at someone who appears to be a Singaporean personal protection officer for the Tans, Kate looking wistful, Kate, erm.....  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2801502/duchess-cambridge-smiles-despite-looking-little-weather-public-appearance-announcing-second-pregnancy.html.

Do you remember before how I told you that I love “The Mail?”

It always gives us a blow-by-blow account of it all!  I feel like I am right there, this-this close, staring at Kate!

Kate winking, Kate smirking, Kate’s dress blowing up her leg and showing us all her thigh!

Kate parading around the great, grand official welcome like a dour, sad little grey checky-checky raincloud. 

Remember how Monica Lewinsky said that she’d given then-President Bill Clinton a special tie, and so when he wore it, that would be like a “code” that he was thinking of her in that very special way that rhymes with “slow job?”  http://www.independent.co.uk/news/the-tie-that-binds-monica-to-bill-1172829.htmlhttp://www.drudgereportarchives.com/dsp/specialReports_pc_carden_detail.htm?reportID=%7BF09CEE31-AE0C-476E-AF8E-4B362B5E07A7%7D.

Some pundits are speculating that Kate is communicating with us via her clothing choices, like Princess Diana used to do.

So, grey checky-checky plaid means....? 

I am not sure, exactly, but it was a totally “blah” outfit, like what a prison matron would wear to an ice cream social.  That grey hat took me back about fifty years, easily, to an early episode of the Andy Griffith Show, where I think Aunt Bea was wearing almost exactly the same hat!  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aunt_Bee.

And afterwards, Kate didn’t go to Buckingham Palace’s spectacular state dinner, and she missed the luncheon the Queen held for the Tans, too.  http://www.breathecast.com/articles/kate-middleton-baby-news-makes-first-public-apperance-since-pregnancy-announcement-20975/;http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/kate-middleton/11176193/Kate-Middleton-first-pregnancy-picture.html.

We were told it was all because she was still so ill, so ill, and putting on such a brave-girl face.

But Kate Middleton didn’t look at all sick.  And she didn’t look particularly pregnant.  Later that same day, she bounced around in a baby blue minidress that had a backdress combination Hollywood train.  “Baby blue,” some papers speculated, means that Kate’s alleged gestating fetus will be a boy baby.  http://www.examiner.com/article/kate-middleton-dons-baby-blue-duchess-expecting-boy-with-prince-william;http://au.ibtimes.com/articles/571040/20141028/kate-middleton-pregnancy-update-expecting-boy-effect.htm#.VFDzfyLF_Sc.

See?  This is why people watching the telly now tell me that Kate is communicating secret messages to them with her clothing choices!

And they tell ME to get a tin foil hat??!!

Kate wore her hair messily all around her neck so that her diamond jewelry was hidden.  And don’t forget Kate’s tan, ankle-biting and always-reliable hooker high heels!

And that sudden tan.  http://www.vanityfair.com/online/daily/2014/10/kate-middleton-baby-blue-jenny-packham-red-carpet.

So, within just a few hours, Kate went from ghoulish prison matron to glamor puss.


We all thought that Kate would be moving back in to her newly and very expensively decorated digs at Kensington Palace.

We just assumed that, after she took off that fake pregnancy prosthesis that those crazy Birth Truthers claim she was wearing underneath that little black dress with a zillion slits and holes that she wore the following evening, Kate would jump into her jammies and watch something humorous on the tube and maybe eat some pie that she didn’t feel she could eat in front of her minions.

We just assumed that Kate would be wearing her KP jammies.  Fluffy slippers.  Yogurt face pack.  Avocado hair hot oil treatment.  Gloves and sockies full of hand lotion.

We just assumed that, while Kate was doing these things, William would be showering, or doing the Sudoko puzzle, or watching football, or...uhm....washing the strawberries and pulling the champers out of the fridge, because lots of men just love sex and don’t care that you have a yogurt pack on your face or are wearing your KP jammies.

Which are really jammies.


We thought for sure that, at the weekend, we’d have a Willy and Waity and Waif sighting of the three of them playing happy families in Hyde Park on a glorious Saturday. http://zazaglen.blogspot.com/2011_04_01_archive.html.  There’s a great big pirate ship to play on in the Princess Diana Memorial Children’s Park!  https://www.royalparks.org.uk/parks/kensington-gardens/things-to-see-and-do/sports-and-leisure/diana-memorial-playground.  Maybe they’d all go down to the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain and kick off their shoes and splash around a bit.  It’s not too cold!  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diana,_Princess_of_Wales_Memorial_Fountain.  

They could have taken tea under the trees.  Or in Café Diana, the late Princess Diana’s nearby favorite tea shop, the Middle Eastern one that has a really exceptional falafel sandwich and photos of her all about.http://www.londontoolkit.com/blog/eats/cafe-diana-bayswater-local-cafe-used-by-princess-diana/.   The owners named it after her while she was still alive, and Diana, flattered and bemused, actually ate there with William and Harry, occasionally.  http://archive.shreveporttimes.com/VideoNetwork/2562367861001/Cafe-Diana-Celebrates-Birth-of-Royal-Baby

William, now grown, and his wife and child could then head down the street to the underground stop alongside St. Mary Abbots, an ancient church where Diana, an actual parishioner, would come to pray, sometimes cry, and sometimes contemplate a future she could only barely imagine but never came to be.  http://www.yelp.com/biz/church-of-st-mary-abbots-london.  The kindly vicar can show them the very pew, far in the back, where Diana could be seen on her knees, hands folded.  The holy site dates back at least to the Norman Conquest, and was likely a place of prayer and pilgrimage long before that.

There’s even a nearby McDonald’s (if you really MUST)!

Think of what Kate and William could learn about their future kingdom, just by walking around!

And then, on Sunday, the whole lovely little mini Royal Family in waiting would put on their Sunday best (for Kate, that would likely mean hooker leggings and a blazer) and head to Sunday services at Westminster Abbey– the official scene of the crime!  Where they would whisper to an uncomprehending Baby Boy Prince George that this is where they had legitimized Kate’s conubinage...erm, I mean, married.http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/royal-wedding/royal-wedding-pictures/8485465/Royal-wedding-highlights-the-30-best-pictures-of-William-and-Kates-marriage.html?image=11.     

And where Auntie Pippa, ensconced in slinky white with buttons all up and down the yeehaw, had gone fishing for noble beaux and, like the prettiest lure bobbing around in the lake, had flaunted her shapely bum all about.  http://content.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,2068434,00.html.  Pippa’s butting-about encouraged her more creative admirers to form a kind of secret society dedicated to the appreciation of her backside.   https://www.facebook.com/PippaMiddletonAssAppreciationSociety.  Not all of Pippa’s bum-admirers’ sites are safe, so make sure you have a software security update before you dare to peek.  Some women emulating her claimed to have finally snagged those husband fish!  http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/6k-pippa-middleton-bum-surgery-784913.  

It’s all so... historical!

Even though now, after years of deep and excruciating analysis, Pippa’s now been accused of using a fake prosthesis bum to get all those bum-lovers running after her.   http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/pippa-middletons-bum-was-false-3482751.

But none of this happened last weekend.

Instead, it turned into a lost weekend.  William appeared to disappear after barely interacting with his wife, and his wife took off back to her mommy and daddy’s house in Bucklebury.  http://www.hallels.com/articles/11058/20141025/princess-kate-middleton-rumors-reveals-prince-william-still-partying-return.htm,


And again.

Where’s William?

At least, we know where Kate is.

Yesterday, a nice couple with a kid got a flat tire (or as the Brits would say, “suffered a puncture”) on a road in Bucklebury while on the way to some kind of wide-open-space wildlife reserve and petting zoo.  http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/407385/Police-quiz-family-after-car-breaks-down-near-Kate-Middleton-home. After local gendarmes descended upon them, brandishing the kind of weaponry that normal mortals only see wielded in movies, the couple with the flat took a snap of Kate driving by them in a Land Rover vehicle after leaving the Bucklebury Farm Park meat shop.  http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2014/10/28/duchess-of-cambridge-armed-police-protection-officers-surround-family/ 


How easy would it be to penetrate that “ring of steel” supposedly put up, at great taxpayer expense, in Bucklebury, to make sure that Baby Boy George and his baby mamma are not kidnaped, or worse, by bandits?  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2377611/Prince-George-Police-form-ring-steel-Kate-Middletons-family-home-Bucklebury.html.

Security concerns aside, the couple said they saw Kate mucking around at the Park Farm with the Italian nanny and Baby Boy George and Carole, Ma Middleton.  Buying meat.  Buying vegetables. Petting numerous deer in pens, which may or may not be soon to be encased as cutlets in foam plates covered in plasticine wrap, and then gracing dinner parties as a fricasseed venison entree..  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/kate-middleton/11192521/Familys-drama-with-armed-police-guarding-Kate-Duchess-of-Cambridge.html

And driving!

Which you can hardly do if you are hooked up to an IV, having your fluids replaced.

And if you are so nauseosus that you can’t get up to order the servants about (which is why that close-close “source” claims that Kate ran back to Ma and Pa Middleton), well, well.....

How can you be out and about, driving the Land Rover, shopping for meat and vegetables, and corralling your nanny, infant son, and mother? 

The photo of Kate at the wheel of the Land Rover is fuzzy and furry, but it’s surely her.  And the married couple with the flat tire’s tale of being confronted with a Royal Guard pointing numerous and rather large automatic weapons at them indicates that the guards are guarding something.

But what does this all mean?

Jaunty at the wheel of her Land Rover, Kate Middleton did not appear to be sick, vomiting, barely conscious, or comatose as rumored.

If she’s able to drive, or even able to ride in a bouncy rough-road vehicle like a Land rover, British readers reasoned, Kate can’t possibly be ill as claimed.

And they are now wondering whether she’s truly pregnant, too.

Has anything said from Kate’s Middleton camp in the past three months remotely truthful?

And why is she back in Bucklebury?  Does she intend to keep living there with Ma and Pa forever?

Back in the day of Prince William’s parents, reporters used to count up the days that the doomed couple spent apart.  http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/royals/interviews/whitaker.html.  In October 1997, British newspapers headlined that Prince Charles and Princess Diana had spent a record 37 days living apart.  http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20097534,00.html.  But Princess Diana was sufficiently aristocratic to always maintain her residence at Kensington Palace.  It was usually Prince Charles who took off, regularly, for parts unknown, in the company of those “friends” that he never would let go of.  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/prince-charles/10436036/Prince-Charles-and-his-relationships.html

More than once, News of the World reporters and paparazzi actually took off following the Prince from his Highgrove estate, en route to one of his late-night hot rendezvous with Mrs. Parker Bowles, who subsequently became his ball and chain and better half, and nowadays, we don’t know whether Charles is washing the strawberries and chilling the champers or doing the sudoko puzzle or, uhm, playing with his models of metropolitan London or planning out a new garden or...or....

We need to start counting the number of days that Prince William has actually been present with his alleged “family,” which may or may not include the time now.

That’s what the old timey reporters did, when things started falling apart between Charles and Di

Who needs to illegally access a cell phone a la the late, great News of the World, when you can just watch the gates at Kensington Palace open and close?.

Where’s William?

Missing in action.



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