Although the online “Sugars” are rabid in their rage at Thomas Markle’s outspoken criticism of his daughter and her “new family,” the British royals, Thomas Markle has fans—real fans, at home and abroad.
We fans like Thomas Markle. We like him a lot. We don’t always agree with him, like his views that Brexit is bad and Trump is bad and McDonald’s is good.
But Thomas Markle is a born, full-blooded American citizen and, hey, he has a right to not like Brexit and not like Donald Trump. He also has a right to say that he wants his daughter to phone him and let him back into her now-very-cushy life. He has a right to slyly mock Prince Charles’s boxy double-breasted suits—after all, Charles didn’t really stand in for Thomas at Meghan’s wedding as much as he displaced him and dissed him. Thomas has a right to call the British crown “dusty.” Colonists fought a bitter and bloody revolutionary war back in 1776 so that we could create the United States of America and not pay tax on tea. Over the years, this all got translated into how we no longer had to bow to any royals or aristocrats unless they are Queen Beyonce and King Jay Z.
And even then, that’s only because we really, really want to bow to them.
But America’s Revolution also all got translated into how we can say what we like about anyone—even the Queen of England, as long as we don’t violate other rules like defamation. And even that can get kind of stretchy over here.
England’s a different story.
England is secretly rigid.
England pretends to be a democracy, but it’s really a monarchy wherein the monarchy has far more personal power than is usually openly acknowledged. The Queen has a lot of secret power that nobody talks about. Not yet. Not openly. But it’s like when POTUS Donald Trump came to visit, and the British got all worked up because supposedly the Queen was supposed to walk first, but then Trump walked first. And then, there was the whole mish-mash about whether Trump had insulted the Queen by arriving too late or too early. Brits got so agitated! And all the while, Londoners who failed to get up early and vote against Brexit and lost thought they’d be creative and fly a mocking balloon of Trump around.
I mean, this they work at, instead of getting up early and voting against Brexit!
I wish that Thomas Markle liked President Trump, but the fact that Markle lives in Mexico rather than the United States gives a hint that there are other things going on with him. I wonder if he snuck across the border to vote in the last election, or whether he sent in an absentee ballot, or maybe, like those loony Londoners with their insulting Trump balloon, he just failed to get up in the morning to vote against Brexit. I mean, Trump.
But it’s no biggie. We share a lot of likes with Thomas Markle, and we also respect his right to bad-mouth the Ruler of the Free World, although it’s not what we would do, and we don’t like it when Thomas Markle does it. We also think that Brexit was voted on, and if democracy means anything, it means that “leave means leave.” So even though we are devoted Thomas Markle fans, we don’t agree with him on many things.
Well, actually, we do like KFC and McDonald’s. But our cardiologist has told us to cut back. So we want the name of Thomas’s cardiologist so we can get a second opinion because we haven’t had a fish sandwich (add pickles), fries and a hot apple pie in ages. Not since our last, well, not exactly a heart attack.
McDonald’s kind of makes our heart go pitty-pat. Maybe it’s just because we love the fish sandwich (add pickles) so much! Or maybe we had too many fries. Or maybe something else is going on that one should really measure with an electrocardiogram.
But Thomas Markle loves McDonald’s and we love him for it because that indicates that Thomas Everyman is a man who’s ordinarily easy to please. And our beloved POTUS, Donald Trump, also has a fine appreciation for McDonald’s—so maybe that’s some common ground between the Everyman Father-in-Law of New Royalty and the Everyman Leader of the Free World. We recognize that space. It’s called…Freedom. And Thomas Markle is exercising his.
So look what happened when he did that!
The London newspapers went bonkers!
The Sugars are furiously tippy-tapping keyboards across the continents and even Australia (a former prison colony), hoping to make Thomas Markle back off from his griping that Meghan has cruelly cut off all communication with him—and for what? For saying that she wants a baby, and that Prince Harry wants a baby, too? He points out that he’s merely repeating something both Meghan and Harry have said themselves—Harry voiced his desires for a gaa-gaa-goo-goo in a public, televised interview a while back, when Meghan was little more than an aging, actressy whiff we all thought would willow-the wisp away and give Chelsy Davy time to collect her senses and marry Harry.
It was not to be. So we all made the adjustment and started looking at Meghan, scrutinizing, and folks were wondering exactly how Meghan gets her hair to do what it does, which is to fly all around in weird ways while she twirls it about. She’s oddly fidgety for an actress, that Meghan.
Suddenly, Meghan’s half-sister, the irrepressible Samantha (unlike Meghan, Samantha has no need for an identifying last name) burst forth with a barrage of criticism that at first stunned the Sugars and then pushed them into battle. Samantha was then backed up by her brother, Thomas Markle, Jr., whose words might have packed more punch if he had not been arrested for menacing his fiancée with a gun (hey, he’s got a right to that gun, now, this is America, thank you!). But Thomas, Jr. explained it all by stating that he had a drinking problem (love the sinner, hate the sin), and then his fiancée became physically abusive and was arrested, and he wailed that Meghan had abandoned him and Samantha even though they’d all once been very close. Thomas, Jr. even showed what appears to be some kind of obtuse and unhelpful text from Prince Harry’s “office.”
I don’t exactly know why the royals, who do no actual “work,” need “offices.” But they have them, and these office guys who work for the royals-who-do-no-work made a few phone calls but apparently not much was done to bring Meghan’s relatives into the royal fold. Only her mother, Doria Ragland, was flown in for the royal wedding, to which Meghan wore a dress that looked like a Halloween ghost costume pinned together with sheets that cost something like half a million dollars—an odd choice for a woman who claims to be a professional humanitarian because half a million dollars buys, well, let’s see-- $34 donated to Oxfam buys an African farmer a goat, so half a million dollars buys the farmer 14,705.8 goats. And that’s with tax and shipping included! That’s a lot of goats that could change the face of Africa forever. But instead of buying thousands of goats, Meghan spent it all on the Halloween ghost costume wedding gown. And although the royals bought Doria a very nice minty-green outfit and little cocktail party hat to wear, they didn’t let her stay in England more than three days. They whooshed her in by private jet and then whooshed her to tea and penny jam sandwiches with the Queen, and then whooshed her to the wedding so she could look “dignified” and take some “family” wedding photos, and then whooshed her back to Los Angeles so fast it made our heads swim.
Doria then immediately quit her day job, which made many suspicious that the royals had paid Doria off to remain “dignified’ and not exercise her God-given, Revolution-won free speech rights.
It’s a lot easier to be “dignified” when you don’t have to rush off to your day job.
But for some reason, Samantha, Thomas Markle, Jr. and Thomas Markle, Sr. weren’t whooshed by Buckingham Palace anywhere.
No matter. They’ve proved much more interesting than anyone previously thought possible.
Thomas Markle, Sr. has so many fans now, and so many folks are getting sick of seeing the newly enduchessed Meghan swirl around in $3,500 denim dresses from high-end designers when she could be buying goats for Africa, that we are starting a fan club to support his upcoming trip to London.
I kid you not! (goat pun, not intended).
Thomas Markle’s our man.
He’s our Everyman.
Thomas Markle’s an American. He’s not loud—at least not in his recorded interviews. But he is vocal and he is insistent, he’s got a Santa Claus-size belly, and he is complaining that his daughter is self-absorbed and not paying him any attention. He grouses that he paid for her expensive private schools, paid for her expensive private college, and paid for her to take fun trips. He paid for her to become an actress, although the only heights she achieved were a burger-flipping video where her boobs are all pushed up, some kind of game show where she walked around with an attaché case, and a Canadian-based cheesy serialized law office drama, “Suits.” In all of these, she’s wearing hooker-high high heels—the kind of shoes Princess Diana herself called “tart’s trotters.” But Diana wore hers while tripping the light fantastic, whereas Meghan wears her pointy stilettos on the polo field, which leaves holes in the ground wherever she walks, and causes her to grip Prince Harry’s arm like she’s become unable to walk by herself.
We feel Thomas Markle’s pain and frustration!
We want him to come to London. We will pick him up from Heathrow, whoosh him into Paddington, and walk him across Hyde Park to Kensington Palace, where he can exercise his freedom of speech by yelling “Meghan! I love you! Please talk to me!” at the top of his lungs outside the gates. We will all hold up signs saying the same. We shall all chip in and buy him a memorable cream tea somewhere nice. Then, we’ll get him a ticket for the Big Red Bus and he can take in all the sights. We’ll make a special stop at Parliament, just in case someone wants him to say something. We can even whoosh him over to Windsor and show him St. George’s Chapel where Meghan pranced about in her ghost sheets costume and Prince Charles took Thomas’s place at the wedding. It may be a tad emotional, but the chapel is a totally cool place and very roomy now that Oprah’s not in it.
And there’s a fine McDonald’s on Thames Street, right by Windsor Castle.
Now that’s a tour!
We have plans for Thomas Markle! And now, he’s got a fan club. He’s got supporters!
We’ll buy him lunch at his favorite place. Big Macs and fries all around!
Perhaps we can even buy him an aristocratic title. Yes—English titles CAN be bought! Scottish and Irish ones, too. Just ask Pippa Middleton’s in-laws.
Then, the British world will have to bend the knee to Lord Thomas Markle.
If there's any cash left over, we can buy Africa some Oxfam goats.