Monday, 24 December 2012 03:36

Santa gifts for New Orleans Saints, Brees, Jerry Jones, Payton

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benson-boogeyIt is customary within the writing profession to come up with a Christmas gift list for everybody we have written about in the sporting community over the past year.



A good reason for this practice is because it is always amusing to take a final poke at the people you pillory, but the real reason writers employ this annual device is because it takes minimal forethought or creativity. In other words, lazy scum that we are, the annual yule gift bag story is a writers gift to himself because there is little heavy lifting involved. So I hope you enjoy my Christmas gift to me:

     For Saints and Hornets owner Tom Benson, Santa's pack includes a problem-free 2013 for his football team and a new Pelicans logo for his basketball team. For Saints Coach Sean Payton, Santa has a new five-year contract for $8 million per year and a blank at the top where Payton can write in the team of his choice. For Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, a five-year $8 million contract for Nick Saban. For QB Drew Brees, a black and gold rag he can stuff in his mouth while watching the video "How Not to Throw into Triple Coverage." For Saints receivers Marques Colston, Lance Moore, Devery Henderson, Joseph Morgan and Jimmy Graham: Balls in the air! For Saints running backs: Marc Ingram, 20 carries a game; Chris Ivory, good health; Darren Sproles, 15 touchdowns; and Pierre Thomas, more Energizer Bunny batteries.

     For the New Orleans Hornets, C Cody Zeller of Indiana as their No. 1 draft pick. For Tulane, an invitation to return to the Southeastern Conference. For Les Miles, a victory in the SEC championship game, which earns a trip to the 2014 BCS title game. For LSU Basketball Coach Johnny Jones, the fence that former Coach John Brady built around the state to keep all prospects at LSU. For new Kentucky football Coach Mark Stoops, seven wins. For UK basketball Coach John Calipari, three sophomores and a senior. For Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson, a tie for NFL "Comeback Player of the Year." 

     For Arizona Assistant Basketball Coach Joe Pasternack, an offer to become head coach at Alabama. For football announcer Lee Corso, a new Magic 8-Ball to predict games more correctly. For Kansas City 2B Johnny Giavotella, a starting job and a .320 batting average for 2013.  For the Boston Red Sox, that prospects SS Xander Bogaerts, RHP Matt Barnes, RHP Allen Webster and RHP Rubby De La Rosa make a difference in 2013. For soon-to-be traded QB Tim Tebow, a CD of Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer."  And, finally, to the members of the U.S. Ryder Cup team, who blew the biggest lead in history: A lump of coal in all of your stockings! Merry Christmas to all!         

His new book, "Where the Water Kept Rising," is now available in local bookstores, at and at his website:


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